Lets read this first...................!
Over the past seven years, I have chosen to maintain a happy distance from my brother. As the executor of our parents' estate, a decision I made led him to sever contact with me. I must admit, not having to deal with him has brought me great relief. Despite my efforts to maintain a relationship with him out of respect for our late mother, it became increasingly challenging due to his explosive and self-absorbed nature. His hair-trigger temper made everyone walk on eggshells, and he often played my sister and me against each other. We would even exchange jokes about how one of us would be stuck dealing with him whenever he decided to cut off contact with one and try to win over the other.
Our last encounter involved him screaming at me, labeling me a "liberal" and demanding that I never speak to him again. Realizing the futility of engaging with someone armed with emotional weaponry, I made the decision to close the door on him and cease communication. Since then, my lawyer has been handling all interactions with him regarding the estate, and I have found immense relief in not having to engage with him further. While I harbor no ill will towards him, I see no reason to mend this fractured relationship. I simply do not enjoy his company and prefer to maintain my distance.
However, my older son has maintained a relationship with him, and it's his prerogative as an adult to make his own choices. Now, as my son is preparing for his wedding, it is almost certain that he will invite my brother to the destination celebration. The mere thought of spending a week in close proximity to my troublesome brother fills me with dread. While I won't impose my wishes on my son and his fiancée, I yearn to fully enjoy and embrace the joyous weeklong celebration without the cloud of my brother's presence looming over us.
He was not invited to my other son's wedding due to his disrespectful behavior towards his nephew, who also wants nothing to do with him. Unfortunately, my brother lacks the capacity to learn, understand, or apologize for his actions. Despite receiving therapy through his occupation as a first responder for decades, he manipulates therapeutic insights and terms to absolve himself of any responsibility for his abhorrent behavior. Engaging with him seems fruitless from my perspective. However, destination weddings bring everyone together for intense interaction over a few days, leaving me unsure how to avoid him.
So, how do I handle this situation? Should I endure the discomfort, request to be accommodated as far away as possible from my brother to minimize interactions, or consider staying offsite altogether? Perhaps I should simply walk in the opposite direction whenever I spot him approaching. My brother lacks self-control, and I can envision numerous scenarios in which he attempts to engage, provoke, or initiate some form of interaction. There is a genuine concern that he could disrupt the wedding, as he did during our mother's funeral when he stormed off in a huff over a minor comment made by a cousin. He has also spoiled several holidays with wild accusations towards my sister before storming out in fury.
So, how can I successfully navigate this forced proximity?
Sincerely,
Done With Him
The somewhat good news is that you're dealing with someone who has the emotional maturity of a child. It seems like you'll have the support of a family that mostly shares your sentiments. Assuming that everyone in your family is as rational and clear-minded as you are, it's safe to assume that no one will come to the defense of this narcissistic troublemaker looking to spoil a joyous event.
It appears that your brother thrives on chaos, a characteristic commonly associated with narcissists, as you astutely pointed out. Consider this: how many people are genuinely willing to tolerate his nonsense or even sympathize with it? I imagine he will find very few, if any, allies on this trip. You mentioned his tendency to sulk and storm off when his manipulative tactics fail at family gatherings. Who's to say he won't resort to his usual dramatic behavior and simply bail out when nobody indulges his chaos?
Of course, nobody wants a dramatic blow-up to occur at a destination wedding, especially when everyone will be in close quarters for several days. However, if he storms off like a petulant child, is it really such a terrible situation in the grand scheme of things? After all, he'll be gone.
Furthermore, I wouldn't recommend staying elsewhere unless you would otherwise have to share a house with your brother for that week. As long as your safety isn't at risk, don't allow him to gain any sort of advantage. This is your son's wedding, and based on what you've shared, your brother is more like the guest of dishonor. He received a sympathy invitation, and he probably feels hurt and insecure because he wasn't invited to your other son's wedding. Let him feel that way; his despicable reputation is solely his own responsibility.
One useful technique to keep in mind is called "gray rocking." It involves responding passively and uninterestingly to avoid fueling a narcissist's desire for conflict. Keep your answers brief and to the point, and try to avoid making direct eye contact. This may drive him crazy, but as you know, any disruptive behavior from him will only dampen the mood for everyone, and nobody will tolerate his reckless outbursts.
In your interactions with him, if you absolutely have to communicate, kill him with kindness, even if he attempts to provoke you. Responding to his provocations with neutrality can be extremely frustrating and even confounding for the aggressor. Why not catch him off guard? If push comes to shove and you need assistance from people close to your family circle, I'm sure one of your sons would be willing to step in. In the meantime, try not to dwell on him too much. He doesn't seem worth the trouble.
